I don't remember the drive home. I didn't even look back in the mirror. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. It just came out. I always imagined that when I got pregnant for the first time I would be married and it would be planned or at least not this kind of surprise. I wanted to tell my husband in a cute way and he would be happy and pick me up and kiss me lovingly. This was a far cry from that. Life is not a fairytale.
He called me later that day but I didn't answer. I was tired. This baby was draining every ounce of energy I had. I was nauseous, my breast were 2 times their normal size and hurt. My entire body was punishing me for the mistake I made. I felt horrible and now was not the time for the talk I knew we would have to have. I curled in bed and and drifted off to sleep.
I was awakened around 6pm by my phone. It was my mom. I had completely neglected the fact that I was going to have to tell my mom. She would be so disappointed. I let it go to voicemail. I knew that I would have to call her back or else she would be knocking on my door. She was always nervous that something would happen to me living alone. "When you have your own children someday you will understand hija," she would always say. Someday had come way too soon. I just needed a little more time to figure things out. I knew I couldn't lie to her. I was a terrible liar and she could always tell. I had a message from Greg.
"We need to talk".
I text him back to meet me the next day so we could talk about things. I still didn't know what I wanted to do. It was my choice after all, but it wouldn't hurt to see how he felt about it all. I figured by this point I was about 4 weeks. The next morning we met at a bakery around the corner from my house. We both sat there quiet.
"So.....", I said.
"So....you are pregnant?"
"According to the 6 pregnancy test I took, my swollen boobs,and morning sickness that would be accurate."
"And you are sure it's mine?"
"Excuse me? Oh, trust me buddy I would love for this to not be true and certainly not with you."
"Certainly not with me? Ouch! I wasn't trying to offend you it was just that we slept together once and you were dating someone else that CNA. I just wanted to be sure."
"He was a CRNA and yes I am sure it is yours. I never slept with Emanuel."
"Ok. So, you are pregnant with my child. Glad we cleared that up. Are you going to keep it?"
"I don't know. I was raised in a family that is very much against abortion, but this isn't exactly how I'd pictured I would be starting a family ya know? I am still in school and I am not ready. Who wants to be a single mother?"
"Single mother? You wouldn't be a single mother. I mean if you decided to keep it. We should get married don't you think?"
"Married? We barely even know each other. Why would we get married!"
"I was raised to do the right thing. I had both of my parents growing up and I want to give my child that stability."
"I don't think that rushing into marriage is the key to stability. I think that as long as a child is loved properly by their parents they will be just fine. My mom was a single mom and I turned out great."
"Well, if you don't want to do things right then why do it at all?"
"Wow, really? That is how you feel about it? So basically if I don't want to marry a guy I barely know, who lied to his girlfriend and ditched me then I should just kill it! I know you are a guy that is used to having things his way and women worshipping the ground you walk on but I am not that type of woman. This is my body and my choice and if it's all the same to you then you can forget I even told you. You don't have to have anything to do with me or my child."
"Wait, calm down. I wasn't saying that I wouldn't be there if you decide to keep it only that I wanted to give my child a different kind of life. Look, no matter what you decide I want to be there for you and the baby. Let's take a step back ok? Have you made an appointment to see a doctor yet?"
"No, not yet."
"Ok, let's start there. I know a great obstetrician that I can recommend. They are a friend of the family and very good with sensitive matters. I'm sure you don't want people at the hospital knowing. I can give you the number if you want but it's totally up to you."
I calmed down a bit. "Yes, that would be great."
"Great. Now, I know I messed things up between us but I really would like another chance. I know you may not be ready to give it to me now but we may be together for a very long time and I hope you will at least consider letting me be apart of your life again. I am willing to do whatever it takes.
"I will think about it."
He flashed me a smile showing his perfect teeth, and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. We headed out the door and I told him I would let him know when I made my appointment.
As I turned the corner saw what I had been dreading. It was a black Honda parked in my driveway. It was my mother. I had completely forgotten to call her back and ask expected she was here to check on me. I really didn't know if I could get away with not telling her but I was going to try.
"There you are! Thank God I was worried sick! Why didn't you call me back!"
"I'm fine mom. I really meant to call you back but I have been so tired lately I just forgot."
"What has you tired are you sick? she asked as she placed her hand to my forehead."
"No ma I'm not sick. I have just been working a lot and I am just a little worn down."
She gave me a strange look for a minute but then continued telling me how important it is to rest. I was so shocked. For a second I thought oh, God she knows but she seemed to buy my excuse, at least for now. We caught up on the latest family gossip and she left. I didn't know how I was going to break it to her when the time came but I was safe for now. One step at a time I thought. I called the obstetrician Greg recommended and made and appointment for later in the week. I text Greg and he agreed to go with me.
The morning of my appointment I was so nervous. Greg came to pick me up and we drove 20 minutes north to the obstetrician. It was a really fancy office. I sat and filled out paperwork. I was really glad he was there. I asked him about his family history embarrassed to realize that was just one more thing I didn't know about the man I was having a child with. I was given a bottle of water and told to drink it for an ultrasound.
When they called me back we were taken to a room that looked more like a small hotel suite than an exam room. A few minutes later a medical assistant came in took my vital signs and gave me a robe to change into. The doctor came just a few minutes later. She was a beautiful woman who looked more like a model than a doctor. She introduced herself as Dr. Miller. She verified that my urine pregnancy test, much like the other six test, was positive. We went over my family history, did a pelvic exam and then grabbed an ultrasound machine.
She moved the probe over my lower belly and after a few seconds turned the screen to show me a tiny blob in a sea of dark space with a little tiny flicker. It was much too soon to hear anything but there it was, my baby....our baby. In that moment it was all so real. It was no bigger than a jelly bean. I was about 5 weeks and 4 days according to her measurements. She gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and packet of information filled with do's and don'ts during pregnancy. I wasn't sure until the moment I saw my little jellybean but I knew. I was going to be a mom.